It all starts with a breath. The unfolding “Awakening” which frees us from the dark night of self-delusions comes as we train our awareness on the breath. Just breathe. Adam’s first sacred task in the Garden of Eden, intimately linked with his own awakening from a deep sleep, was to receive the breath of life. I can hear it, that first, deep, gasping, inhale; and the melodic rhythm of breathing which continues in me.
Then comes the next Garden of Eden assignment. “Look around you, what do you see? Animals? Name these animals. Become aware of them and put words on what you see.” Sitting in meditation we look around at our internal world and similarly become aware of beasts, which we label…. Fear. Pain. Boredom. Rationalizing. Judging. Ahhhh, here comes a good one, Monkey Mind! This is nice, I like being in charge of the assignments to breathe and name. My own little mini Garden of Eden experience. Breath of life. Awareness. Naming. I’ve totally got this.
But then it gets interesting. At the beginning for me, I saw meditation as a relaxation exercise. A lovely walk in the garden. But the longer I linger here, I start to become aware of things I’d forbidden. What is this, resistance? That’s not supposed to be here. Anxiety? No, go away. This is supposed to be a peaceful garden. Shame!? No, no, no, no, that’s not right at all. Who let these in here? This is a mess, whose fault is this? Who’s in charge around here?
I hear Him calling, but I’m still hiding. “Just let me go back to naming the animals. This has gotten way too complicated.” He holds me in His awareness, naming me, without judgment: “Carrie….. Carrie…… Carrie, where are you?” That’s a good question, indeed, where am I? I’m here, I’m on my yoga mat, but am I really fully here, willing to see and… gasp… be seen? By Him? Or by this person next to me? Showing up means getting kicked out – kicked out of my comfort zone, out of my self-delusions, and out of the entitlement of blaming and avoidance. Do I really want to go out of the Garden and into vulnerability and work?
Feeling really exposed, I take a step forward into the awakening light. And here, on my mat? I take a deep breath.
This is incredibly powerful—something I will need to re-read multiple times to fully process. “Shame!? No, no, no, no, that’s not right at all. Who let these in here? This is a mess, whose fault is this? Who’s in charge around here?” The fear of what might creep into the stillness keeps many, including myself, from the practice of mediation/contemplative prayer—rattling off obligatory gratitude & petitions to Heavenly Father. The idea of embracing fear and opening oneself up to the stillness is paramount I think to not only self awareness and actualization but a truly personal and authentic relationship with God. I think many, again myself included, hide not just from others and ourselves, but from Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ, too. For in that stillness, they are also. Thank you for this post, it has given me much to think about.
This is beautiful! Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for this Carrie. I’ve been listening to The Power of Stillness and I’m thrilled you and your co-authors have taken on this project. As I was listening I kept thinking, wow, I’m not alone! These people know of meditation and of people like Richard Rohr, Thomas Merton, Cynthia Bourgeault and others. I’ve been meditating for 38 years and have tried many different methods. I’ve struggled with talking about my experiences with my “active member” family and friends, so I just don’t. Integrating contemplative prayer and meditation will be life changing for those who feel they have reached an endless plateau of sameness while maintaining their active status in the church. I’m so pleased there is a book (The Power of Stillness) that combines meditative concepts with our religion. Thanks again!
I haven’t even finished reading the book yet, but today, during Sacrament Meeting, I attempted to put to use what I have read. The stillness I was able to feel during the Sacrament was nothing short of astounding. I have also been trying for a few days, to slow down, breathe, focus more than multitask, and it has been (already) a life enhancing experience. I will finish the book and savor it, reread it many times, and share it with others. May you all be richly blessed for bringing this book to Latter-day Saints everywhere. Thank you.
Wow, Carrie thank you for your post. You give enough for me to ponder and a desire to revisit the scriptures. Who let these in?